Stop Telling Yourself Lies About Self-Sacrifice
Since you’re here, you're probably running on fumes, drinking watered down coffee that’s ice melted hours ago, and trying to figure out how to stop snapping at your kids. Your body is feeling fried and strung out, and the idea of "self-care" feels like a money-grabbing, time-sucking punchline.
Listen, dude. We need to have a straight-up, real conversation about where self-care belongs on your incessantly overflowing to-do list. Spoiler alert: It needs to be at the freaking TOP. It is VITAL to blend trauma healing and systems and structure, because when you heal, your kids get the love you never had. BTW that shit changes the world. For Real.
Let’s be honest about the heavy load you are carrying. This isn't just "being busy." You are the CEO, CFO, and CEQO (Chief Emotional Officer) of your entire home, managing the insane mental weight of planning for everyone and everything—the infamous mental load of the household. You are intelligent and self-aware, constantly striving for competence, but you are also constantly feeling lost or uncertain, stressed and overwhelmed.
It’s completely exhausting, and hi, IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS.
So, what keeps you from just being able to calm the hell down? It’s not just the clock or the kids talking to loud. It's been found that the hold-up that keeps you from self-care is structural, like insufficient childcare, or chronic financial stress stemming from things like inflation. BUT just as powerful are the internal, psychological things—low motivation, depression, anxiety, or the persistent internal chaos of ADHD, which leaves you feeling like you're stuck beneath the surface and cant get past the thick layer of ice overhead. It keeps you under and you can't seem to find where you fell in in the first place. When you feel this bogged down, the last thing you have energy for is adding another task, even if that task is supposed to save you.
The Myth of the Sacrificial Parent *gag*
How about we talk about the REAL reason you feel like a total failure every time you try to prioritize yourself: the toxic cultural narrative of "parent's just give their everything". (Especially moms.)
Our society glorifies the employee who works 80-plus hours a week and idolizes the mother who manages getting kids to school, working a full day, supporting her kids & husbands needs mentally and emotionally, takes the kids to all the various practices, manages finances, appointments, grocery lists, when everyone needs new clothing, when the pets need food and vet visits and on and on forever and ever, amen. 🙄
We have been habituated to believe that self-sacrifice is the deepest, truest form of love. Not only is it bullshit but it leads to copious amounts of feeling like a bad person for wanting to be cared for too. What does that do to our self-worth? It chops it up and feeds it to the pigs (Did you know pigs will eat anything? Including human teeth? Too many documentaries...anywayyyys.)
Research shows, parental guilt and shame are triggered when parents perceive they are failing to meet their own expectations or the unrealistic expectations they have taken on from others.
This fear that you’re juggling 20 flaming batons and if you put a couple out, the whole world will go dark—directly contributes to crippling parental burnout. You’re trying to be the "Super Mom" your child seems to need, but you’re only human.
Just so we are clear here, ONE baton is enough to light things up. The idea that you have to neglect yourself to be a loving mother is flat-out toxic.
I've said it before and I will say it again, Perfection is smoke and mirrors. We need to have a zero tolerance policy for poison in the potluck. Telling an overwhelmed mom (especially one juggling ADHD, anxiety, and the trauma of their past) to just do self-care is like telling that drowning person under the ice to simply swim harder. It's useless.
The low motivation and total lack of energy aren't a character flaw or laziness. They're a symptom of burnout. We are running on fumes, and the expectation to implement some major new cure is honestly insulting.
We HAVE to start validating the simple truth: We are legitimately exhausted. Period.
The reality is that the only way out is though. We've been taught that needing to take a break or slow down is some kind of moral failure. Like it's a sign you don't care enough to help others. Well--
We're calling bullshit right NOW.
You know that feeling when you're like too stressed to take a break but the weight of the stress is breaking you??? That's the Self-Sabotage Loop. It's gnarly and sneaky and very real.
You don't have the energy to grab the rope or maybe you're too scared. Either way, THAT is what is keeping you stuck there.
REALITY is, self-care is not selfish. It is the VITAL FOUNDATION for:
- Competence: You can't regulate your kids if you can't regulate your own nervous system.
- Health: Mental, emotional, and physical.
- Building the safe, honest home you've always wanted.
The Chaos-ing Body
These things are hard because, when you constantly feel overwhelmed and on the brink of chaos-ing, your nervous system is in a state of high alert. That constant background noise of stress is not just psychological; it's literally a measurable, biological state.
In the formal world they use words like survival mode, dysregulation, hypervigilance and fight-or-flight response, but for us, that just means "when your body feels like it’s going to explode".
In the physical health world the terms around hormones is highlighted and cortisol is a big one. "That's why you're heavier than you want", they say. Buuuuut lowering that cortisol isn't just the workouts or foods. Chronic stress keeps your body worked up, pumping out hormones like cortisol. Studies show that parents who engage in harsher discipline often have higher baseline levels of cortisol, indicating a state of chronic stress characterized by a higher level of reactivity to parenting demands. In other words, when the toddler melts down over the wrong cup, you explode since you are already on edge for various reasons. The state of being wired to see red or get pissy is linked directly to hostile and intrusive parenting behaviors.
When you feel yourself losing your sh*t, you aren’t failing morally; this biological because your cup has run the eff over.
The Trickle-Down Effect: Why Your Stress is Not Just Yours
Here's where the no B friend comes in. I'm going to hold your hand while I tell you this: Your personal stress is not just within your body. The research confirms that your well-being and your children’s happiness are two sides of the same coin. *take a deep breath here* 
Your chronic stress and resulting dysregulation can trigger what is known as toxic stress in your child. *Deep Breath*
Toxic stress occurs when children experience repeated negative experiences without supportive caregivers present to buffer that response. When a parent is emotionally dysregulated, they are unable to provide that buffering support consistently. This toxic stress weakens the child’s foundational brain architecture, making them far more susceptible to stress-related disorders like anxiety or depression later in life. Let's just be honest: If you're running ragged—that hyper-alert, anxious, exhausted state—you're not just stressed; you are the direct cause of the conflict cycle. *Another Big Long Breath*
When a boundary test hits and your child starts pushing, your nervous system can't handle the big, messy feelings that bubble up inside you. This is the regulatory deficit. To get out of the uncomfortable feelings in the moment, you instinctively choose the quickest off ramp, which is usually shouting, punishing out of frustration, or caving entirely. This short-term relief is a massive long-term fail because it shreds your boundaries and teaches your kid that if they just get loud enough or dramatic enough, you'll crack. Or worse, you we're full of shit in the first place. This is how the coercive cycle keeps spinning, and it all hinges on your inability to regulate in the heat of the moment.
DO NOT STOP READING HERE! KEEP GOING PLEAAASE!
You're probably this feeling like your brain is hopelessly short-circuiting. I know this is a tough thing to hear. Let me tell you a secret...my oldest has major anxiety. Like off the charts. I,100% believe it's because of my inability to manage my stress when she was little. Here's the good news: WE CAN CHANGE IT!
We are in the driver seat. We get to make those conscious efforts to do better. We get to give ourselves compassion and grace...and care. AND THERE IS SCIENCE TO THAT.
Brain First: Bottom-Up Beats Top-Down
When you're in a physiological freak-out—heart racing, jaw clenching, pure panic mode—you can not trust anybody everrr.... 
Just kidding, but seriously, you can't think your way out of it. Trying to talk yourself down with positive thoughts when your body feels like it's running from a bear? That's impossible.
Just kidding, but seriously, you can't think your way out of it. Trying to talk yourself down with positive thoughts when your body feels like it's running from a bear? That's impossible.We have to focus on Bottom-Up Regulation first. This means getting physical and gounding your body before you try to change your thoughts. You have to regulate the physical signs of stress—slow the heart rate, deepen the breathing, and relax those tense shoulders. You literally NEED to breathe and move your way out of the crisis before you can engage the Top-Down Regulation (the thinking part). It's not some woo-woo strategy.
Your Emergency Reset Menu: Wiring Calm in Minutes
You DO NOT need a week in the Maldives to stabilize your nervous system. That's the lie perfection culture SOLD us! You need concrete, easy-peasy strategies that give you a quick reset when you’re on edge or spiraling. Remember, we’re focusing on low-friction, high-impact Bottom-Up Regulation. You deserve, and honestly, you need these micro-resets. Self-care can be as simple as two seconds of stillness.
The Quick Fixes for When You’re Fried
The 4-7-8 Breath: The Regulation Vibe
If you feel your body going off the deep end, yank the parachute cord with this. This method specifically forces your relaxation response to turn on. Just three minutes of this pattern can center you. Use it while waiting in the school pickup line or before you open the car door to address the chaos:
- Inhale quietly for four counts.
- Hold the breath for seven counts.
- Exhale completely for eight counts.
The Mindful Pause: Two Seconds of Power
When your child is driving you up a wall and you feel that immediate, primal urge to flip the fuck out, take a mindful pause. Try just two seconds of stillness before you react. That tiny window of time gives your brain a chance to respond intentionally, rather than giving in to the quick relief of emotional escalation. Sometimes I do it like I hold my breath for a second before saying anything.
The Five Senses Reset
When you are drowning in stress or high anxiety, you can ground yourself immediately. Quickly notice five things you see, four things you hear, three things you feel (the texture of your shirt, the floor under your feet), two things you smell, and one thing you taste (that last sip of coffee or Pepsi). This instantly yanks you out of stress mode and back into the present moment.
The Power of Self-Compassion: The Ultimate Regulatory Strategy
One of the most powerful regulatory strategies available is self-compassion.
Instead of pushing away that crushing sense of guilt or self-doubt, acknowledge it without judgment. Try to name the emotion and say to yourself: “This is painful. I feel like I'm failing. I feel exhausted.”
The science is straight up: By acknowledging the pain and reminding yourself that you are not alone and that every parent struggles, you lessen the emotion’s grip. This ability to shift responses without judging or shaming yourself is called emotional agility. Remind yourself: "This is hard, but I can handle hard things."
Romanticizing the Mundane
Self-care often feels like an entirely separate list of shit to do (I don't have the energy to shower sometimes, let alone anything else), which is the absolute last thing a mom struggling with the mental load needs. We need to integrate these moments into your existing, messy life, making them feel intentional and luxurious.
- Amp Your Shower: Seriously, crank up some 90s/early 00s Punk Pop and use a favorite body wash that smells like heaven. Your daily shower can become a lavish, essential reset.
- Target Run Therapy: You get unreasonably excited about a solo Target trip. Turn that errand into a mini adventure by stopping for that iced latte and cake pop FOR YOU. Don't rush; that is your intentional, restorative break. Enjoy the browsing
- The Playlist Power: Running chores can be a pain (especially for us Type B & C mamas), but throwing on your favorite playlist and maybe doing a little lip-syncing makes the chore feel less like an uphill battle.
Journaling (aka Trauma Dumping on Paper)
Your struggle with mental noise and clutter means you desperately need a place to offload that internal chaos. Forget filtering your thoughts; journaling is your internal pressure cooker relief valve. It's the essential, unkempt process of trauma dumping your chaos onto paper.
When you’re feeling swamped or foggy, try these prompts to shift your perspective and reduce overwhelm:
- Forgive the Mess: Write a letter to yourself, forgiving any perceived parenting mistakes or times you felt you screwed up.
- Identify the Release: What's one thing—a responsibility, a lingering piece of guilt, a limiting belief—that you can let go of today?
- Presence Audit: Describe a moment when you felt truly present with your child recently. Anchor yourself in the good stuff; you’re not ruining them.
Self-Care Items That Hit Different
You rely on convenient, trustworthy, digital solutions. You want products that are legit and backed by science, not just fluff. Here are three tools that make self-care easy as ABC, specifically targeting anxiety, mental noise, and lack of motivation.
Physical Grounding
Weighted Blankets
For the parent struggling with sleep deprivation and nervous system hyperarousal, a weighted blanket is a no-brainer. They provide deep pressure stimulation, which calms the autonomic nervous system and promotes relaxation.
- Waowoo Weighted Blanket: For the budget conscious woman. www.health.com noted that its "construction stood up to even more expensive options, noting the even weight distribution and how well everything stays in place."
- Silk & Snow Hand-Knitted Weighted Blanket: This open-knit design is highly breathable—perfect if you're a hot sleeper but still need that compression to soothe anxiety.
- Bearaby Cotton Weighted Blanket: Known for its stylish, chunky knit design and use of organic cotton, this is another solid choice for quiet, anxiety-soothing deep pressure.
The Shower Reset
Since your daily shower is already an essential reset, adding aromatherapy transforms 5 minutes into a powerful, sensory grounding exercise. The strong scents force you into the present moment, yanking you out of anxiety mode. This targets anxiety and nervous system regulation through your senses.
- Calm Lavender Shower Steamers: Simple, classic, and effective. Lavender is scientifically proven to reduce heart rate and lower anxiety. A no-brainer for a quick nervous system chill.
- Capri-Blue Volcano Candle: This scent is famous for a reason! It appeals to your desire for luxury and elevates your shower/bath time into a non-negotiable sensory vacation without leaving the house. You can get the Matching Bath Bomb as well.
Quiet the Noise
When the mental load of finding calm is too much, outsourcing that internal chaos is key. These items provide soothing pressure or sound to quiet the mental noise without needing a focused meditation practice.
- Weighted Eye Mask: This provides targeted deep pressure stimulation (like a mini weighted blanket for your face!). It instantly calms the vagus nerve, which soothes anxiety and promotes better, deeper sleep.
- Loop Earplug: You need to block out external chaos sometimes (screaming kids, loud neighbors). These are a game-changer for sensitive/ADHD brains. They allow you to hear important things but filter out the overwhelming background noise, giving your brain a focused break.
TL;DR (Took me until recently to know what this meant. Don't Judge): Go Get Your Damn Peace
If your brain skipped most of that (which, hello, fellow ADHD soul, I get it), here is the meat and potatoes.
You can't think your way out of total exhaustion; you have to use your body—breathe, stretch, move—to trick your system back into safety first.
The little things you do to physically calm down like; that deep breath, the five minutes of music, the quick walk, aren't just feel-good treats. They are literally sharpening your most important tool: your ability to handle big feelings.
Your commitment to your healing is the commitment to breaking cycles. By choosing to regulate and restore yourself, you are building the inner strength to show up as the rooted, authentic parent and wife you’re determined to be. You get to stop believing the lie that you have to earn your worth through performing, and just exist, calm and real. In turn you give your kids that beautiful gift.
This is the key takeaway for you, the Mom: Prioritizing your self-care isn't about getting a spa day; it’s about fixing that core issue of constantly running on empty inside you. It is the single most important, most loving choice you can make for your own health and your home's stability.
Peace out, girl scout. May the ice in your latte stay solid.
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