Blog Posts Tagged Faith Psychology

How I’m learning to set boundaries without losing compassion—or my mind.

So here’s the thing.

I didn’t set out to write about giving. Or honesty. Or boundaries.

But here we are.

Because lately, the Holy Spirit’s been shining a big, blinding spotlight on the way I go through life—my time, my energy, my money, my emotions—and the way I tend to say “yes” when I really mean “I don’t know how to say no without letting someone down.”

And really...that’s not okay.

Not just because it leads to burnout (which it does). But because it’s dishonest and abandoning myself. And Jesus, as it turns out, is big on honesty.

Who knew? ;)

But here's the kicker. It's not just with other people. With yourself, too.

God Loves a Cheerful Giver—Not a Burned-Out, Resentful One

I will admit I have never been great at sticking to reading my Bible. As I age and find myself I anm finding ways to be in scripture that work for me. Such as different translations, digital, hard copy etc. Sometimes it's all of the above. I'm learning to meet myself where I am. But I digress...

So as I move through my time with Jesus I read 2 Corinthians 9:7 and I was a refreshing and grounding wakeup call.

And all I could think was: okay, but… what if I’ve been giving reluctantly and under compulsion for most of my life and calling it “just being a good person”?

What if I’ve been handing out “yes” like candy in an attempt to earn love, stay safe, avoid conflict or prove myself?

Because honestly? A lot of those yes's haven't felt cheerful.
It’s felt like pressure. Obligation. Guilt.

Sometimes it’s even felt like a performance to avoid judgement.

Then Came Matthew 5:37 to Smack Me Gently in the Soul

As I researched what boundaries looked like in terms of scripture, I crossed this one. See, He knows sometimes I need a direct halt to get it, and this is that moment. He’s not yelling. He’s speaking gently. Patient and consistent, like He always is. And when necessary, VERY direct.

Like:
“Sweetness, I see the way you’re trying so hard to do the right thing. But I never asked you to betray yourself in the process.”

Because that’s what I’ve been doing. Giving when I didn’t want to. Agreeing to things I didn’t feel peace about. Saying “sure!” while something in me is quietly crumbling.

Not because I’m evil or manipulative or anything dramatic. But because I was never taught that boundaries are love. I was taught that honesty is the best policy but somewhere that got muddied when it came to "being a good person and helping others."

And let's not get it twisted, I am a natural giver. I do love to help others. I'm just not sure what part of that is me and what part is my trauma. So I'm learning to listen to my self and the Holy Spirit more.

You Can't Pour From An Empty Cup

When Paul talks about being a “cheerful giver,” I don’t think he means “put on a smile and give even when you feel like sh*t.”

I think he’s pointing to something deeper.

Something I’m just recently learning how to practice.

Because there’s a difference between generosity and self-abandonment.

There’s a difference between obedience and people-pleasing.

And the difference is joy. Peace. Inner alignment.

Giving should feel like love moving through you. Not like guilt chasing you down.
It should be honest. Aligned. Willing.

CHEERFUL.

Otherwise, it’s not really a gift. It’s a transaction with emotional strings attached. And let’s be real...we’ve all been on both ends of that and it sucks.

But Sometimes Saying “No” Still Makes My Stomach Turn

I hate unnecessary conflict. Hate letting people down. Hate the sound of disappointment in someone’s voice when I choose myself.

And for a long time, I thought that meant I was selfish. That's what we are often told. ESPECIALLY if you grew up with a narcissistic parent.

But now I think it just means I didn’t feel safe. And safety matters.

Especially when you're unlearning decades of overgiving and honestly a lack of spirituality.

So here’s where I’m at:
I’m practicing telling the truth, even when it’s awkward.

“No, I can’t commit to that right now.”
“I actually don’t have the capacity.”

"I appreciate you thinking of me for this, I just can't say 'Yes' at this time."

And guess what?

The world keeps spinning!

Some people don’t like it. But the ones who get it? They stay.
And Jesus? He hasn’t left me once.

God Doesn’t Want My People-Pleasing

That’s been pretty freeing.

God isn’t grading my heart based on how many times I overcommit or how available I make myself to everyone around me.

If my heart is saying, “This is too much,” but my mouth says, “Sure! Happy to help!”
That’s not obedience. That’s a mask. And masks don't allow for true connection..

So now, I’m trying to give from truth. Not pressure. Not fear. Not the need to be seen as good or worthy or capable.

Just truth.

Messy Action Is Better Than No Action

Honestly? I’m still in the middle of this. I don’t have a perfect system.

Some days I still say yes out of habit. Some days I over-explain my no like I’m on trial. Some days I give more than I want to and then beat myself up about it. Or get overwhelmed with too much on my plate.

But I’m learning.

To pause.
To check in with the Holy Spirit and my nervous system.

Learning to trust that if I say no from a place of love and alignment, my heart is still aligned with God's will.

Because I don’t think He’s standing there with a checklist.
I think He’s sitting next to me, saying, “Hey… we got this. You don’t have to prove anything right now.”

If You’ve Been There Too…

If you’ve been giving until you’re empty, nodding when you want to scream, serving from a place of fear instead of love—I just want you to know:

You’re not the only one. You’re not a bad Christian. You’re not messed up.

You’re a human. That God created and He sees your heart.
Not just what you give, but why you give.
Not just what you say, but what you actually mean.

You don’t have to keep bleeding for everyone else to call it "holy".
You can say yes and mean it. You can say no and still be kind.

You can be honest and still be fully within God"s will.

You can be a cheerful giver, because you’ve learned to give from peace. NOT pressure.

I believe THAT is the kind of giving God delights in.

All the love,